Contents

AA Actions without consequences Afrikaans music Agents Airline weight
allowances “Alleged” criminals American English The ANC The angry white guy
Arguing Attention-seeking faux-lesbian kissing Austrians Baby On Board! signs
Bafana Bafana Bank fees Banking hours Banksters BEE Best-of compilations
Biz-speak Bluetooth headsets James Blunt Booing rugby fans Braai meddlers
Bulletproof glass partitions Call centres Cape Town’s rip-off mentality The Caster
Semenya gender scandal as a parable of political self-interest and racial obsessing
Cellphone music in public Cellphone shouters China Christmas Gareth Cliff
Hillary Clinton “Continuous partial attention” Cope Creatives Tom Cruise CSI
The current state of the South African Defence Force as a result of the arms deal
Cycling attire Dark (ahem) predictions about South Africa’s ability to host major
sporting events Debonairs boerewors-encrusted pizza Décor magazines Delivery
drivers Digitally altered breasts on women’s magazines Directory enquiries
Disembarking Divas Diving during rugby matches DJs who play the music
too loud Documentaries that last one hour when they should last 15 minutes
“Domestic” Drivers who scoot up your arse just as you’re about to parallel park
Drivers yakking on their cellphones The DSTV hotline Dual-flush cisterns that don’t
flush properly The E! channel Election promises Electric fences E-mail chain
letters Email signatures Energy-efficient light bulbs The English football team
Escalators Eskom ESPN Estate agents’ jargon 4th Avenue, Parkhurst Facebook
Fashion victims Fashionistas The fasten-seatbelt alarm Fat people who complain
about their weight FIFA Flower sellers in restaurants Forms Funky handshakes
“Funny” music on TV shows Gas braais Getting older Gillette’s 5-blade Fusion
razor Girlfriends’ dreams in which their boyfriends are being nasty to them
The global economic meltdown “Going forward” Government PR campaigns
Gratuitous penis jokes Green guilt Grey’s Anatomy Hadedahs Handicapped-loo
guilt Handymen, plumbers and DSTV installers Happy birthday wishes sent via
computer-generated SMS Health “facts” that turn out to be a load of bollocks
Health and Safety Heat magazine Historical-letter writing Hold music Hollywood
blockbuster dongtacularity Home Affairs House and car alarms HR departments
Hummers “I could care less” Idiots Idols “I dunno”, as a professional response
The I’m-offended bandwagon Industry-sponsored body dysmorphia In-flight
chatterers The inordinate power of car manufacturers IT-support dorks Internuts
The impending doom of South Africa as foretold by bitter expats Internet joke
trends and their inevitable overexposure Jet skis Joburg architecture Joburg
introductions Journalistic overuse of the word “robust” Journalists who aren’t
really journalists but write stories and snippets of stories anyway and somehow
get them published, usually online Julius Malema and the ANC Youth League
Danny K Keo.co.za Kids on TV Knysna Rory Kockott KP Kulula jokes Labour
laws Lalit Modi, Alan Stanford and the inexorable rise of Twenty/20 cricket Laptop
battery lives Leaf blowers Libel threats Lift etiquette Living in hope The logical
absurdity of using “African” as a synonym for “black” “Lol” Lolspeak Low G.I.
muffins Macon Made-in-China toys Madiba abuse Madonna Magazine cover
lines Magazine inserts Thabo Mbeki McG Medical-aid schemes Metro Police
Minibus taxis The misguided corporate approach to employee productivity
Motoring shows that aren’t Top Gear Mr Delivery Robert Mugabe Music festivals
The myth of the happy-peasant lifestyle Name changes Never-ending selfhelp
books Newspaper and online columns New Zealand and Australian rugby
commentators’ – and now South African rugby writers’ – annoying habit of referring
to South Africa as “the Republic” “Next week on...” Noisy nurses Noise pollution
Non-repliers Non-voters Normal people competing in stupidly impossible multistage
endurance events The nouveau Cape bushveld experience Blade Nzimande
Obamania Offensively loud television advertising One-headlight drivers ...on
main Other people Our interminable blame culture Overhyped deconstructionist
cuisine Overwritten restaurant menus Overpriced deli food that’s nothing more
than glorified Woolworths The Oscars “Pant” as a fashion term Paper jams
Parents who think their kids are the best in the world Paris Hilton’s parents – and
parents in general, for that matter Pedestrians Personal computers Personalised
plates Pizza-delivery boys “Please revert” Political apathy Political correctness
Political coverage as per the SA media Popped collars Portaloos Prices that
end in 95 Professional sport The Proteas’ propensity for choking in major cricket
tournaments The Q5, the Q7 and the continued BMW-fication of the once-cool
Audi brand Queues Queuing for popcorn Quickshops – and other petrol-station
mini-markets Quiet diplomacy’s standing as a theory that worked out in the end
Quotes that don’t include VAT The race card Radio Reality television Restaurants
that issue their cutlery wrapped in a serviette Reward schemes as reason to
use your credit card Shonda Rhimes Ring tones Roadside crosses Roadworks
Robben Island Robot hawkers Rubberneckers 7/11 lighting Sandton City
Shopping Centre SARS Service delivery Sharks fans Shitty timeshare-scheme
presentations dressed up as opportunities to win great prizes The silent treatment
Smiley faces SMS spam “Sorry” The South African Broadcasting Corporation
(SABC) South African drivers South African service “Speak to Accounts” Sports
administrators Sports-talk clichés Statistics Stompie chuckers Stupid packaging
The Sunday liquor ban Super Signs SuperSport Blitz Swine flu pandemonium
24-hour news channels 3G internet technology Taking the public loo odour blame
Teenagers Telemarketing pitch preambles Telkom Terms and conditions “They”
“To end this call press hash or hang up” The Tour de France Tow-truck drivers
Traffic circles Traffic cops Manto Tshabalala-Msimang Two-prong plugs Twitter
Ubiquitous construction sites UIF The UK Umshini Wami The UN Under-age
sluttiness Under-eye serum for men Underground parking “Up next” boxes on
TV The USB port on PVRs Useless car guards Valentine’s day “Variant spelling”
plans Verbing Verimark commercials Verreaux’s Eagle Very bad email scams
Violence as a kneejerk reaction Violent student demonstrations and other public
protests that aren’t thought out too well The Vodacom meerkat Vomitous runningshoe
designs Vuvuzelas “Warm regards” Water-saving shower heads Wee
on the seat in the handicapped loo Wellness Kanye West When-we Saffers
Wickable apparel as casual wear Widespread misuse of the word “myriad” Kobus
Wiese “Withheld caller” The woeful movie choices of Nicolas Cage Woolworths
food stores Work email Cc-ing x The X6 Xenon headlights Yelping women’s
tennis players Zeffed-out Crocs Jacob Zuma Zuma as a Christian name